Zazazu

I’m sitting here thinking about how it is now 5:35 p.m. and it only seems like fifteen minutes since I woke up today. Of course, the same goes for this year. It only seems like a couple of days have passed since we were ringing in 2007. Now, we are ringing in the SECOND month of 2007. Cliche yes but, wow!, how time flies.

When I think about the exponential pace at which time passes, I wonder if I’ve squandered most of the time I have been given. My mind automatically drifts to jobs, careers, cars, houses, money, etc. But, it only stays there for a moment. What really matters in this time we have here – as fleeting as it is – is that we have love, lots of it, and that we give love too.

No part of me can ever say that I do not have that. If I ever claim that in a fit of frenzy, smack me back to reality. I don’t have a house of my own, nor do I have a fancy car or lots of money but I do have love. Lots of it. The time that I have here isn’t squandered at all if I spend it immersed in and thankful for that love.

So then, a squanderer I am not.

Now that my rambly reflections are over, let me say that I hope that all of you, dear readers, are having a lovely 2007 and are making the very most of it.

At the onset of January, I resolved in my WWHI endeavors to do two things. One was to keep up with NaYoPracMo and the other was to give up watching crime TV.

Well, one out of two ain’t bad. Or is it two out of three ain’t bad? Either way, I did one and bombed the other. Can you guess which?

I bombed out on the actual asana practice of NaYoPracMo. Yes, I did. I think I did somewhere around the first five days of consistent practice and then… well… then nothing. I did watch Namaste Yoga on FitTV today and it looks good so I’m planning to do it tomorrow. It is actually very calm and flowy, which is the way I like my yoga (with a side of sweat). But, I don’t consider the whole NaYoPracMo experience to be lost. No, indeed I do not. Along the way and only because of NaYoPracMo, I met two wonderful people – Kristi and Julie. I have been inspired by them and hope to continue to be so, even though NaYoPracMo is officially over. Namaste to them both.

As for my cessation of watching crime TV, I am happy to say that I quit cold turkey. After I blogged about it that day, I didn’t watch another one. Nary a ONE! I’m proud of myself and, even though I’ve not noticed a huge difference in the way I feel, I think it was a good move. And, surprisingly, I don’t miss them. Well, I don’t miss any but Bones, which I’m seriously thinking of watching again. I think that one out of however many I was watching would be okay. And, since I do find myself missing it, I think that watching it would be more than just a filler. So, I might tune in tonight and see what Bones and Booth are up to. I’ve missed those guys!

It has also been a happening time over at Etsy lately. I’ve ordered some really great things and listed some as well. Just today I listed some super-cute vintage aprons that someone – if they find them – will be very happy to have. I also ordered a custom ACEO from one of my Etsy favorites and my new friend, Stilettoheights. It is called ‘When I Was There‘ and is done with a beautiful Eiffel Tower, my favorite, of course. I love it and can’t wait to see it in person. Thanks, Jenn!

Carlasonheim is another Etsy favorite and is offering tiny little emailed Valentines to anyone who asks for them. I requested some and they are SO cute! Why buy Valentines when you can get reproductions of a talented artist’s original for FREE? Check it out!

Speaking of Valentine’s, I am simultaneously trying to talk myself into and out of buying Lorimarsha’s fabulous new ‘Veg Out’ pants for my Happy-Valentine’s-to-Me gift. The dialogue in my head goes like this:

“No, you shouldn’t…”
“But you want to so bad and they will look so cute on you and you will wear them SOOO much and they are just SO you!”

Grrrrr… talk about inner conflict.

Thinking about Kristi, Julie, Jenn, Lorimarsha and several other super-special people I’ve met over the last month, makes me think about how wonderful technology is and how great it is to be able to meet these people that I might not otherwise run into. I learn so much from them and the handful of others that I now call friends. Just this month, I’ve learned that there are people out there who also dislike going out much anymore, that there are people who create and really make it work, that living a quiet life isn’t so bad after all, that there is more to success than just being monetarily successful, that fulfillment can come in all shapes and sizes, that nothing changes unless you change. So, to all of you who have taught me something over the past month, thank you. I will try to honor those lessons by not forgetting them and, when applicable, putting them into practice. I can only hope that I’ve also taught something or another along the way.

Oh, and if you’ve not noticed, I added another section to my blog here. It is the ‘Inspiration‘ section and will contain what I think are inspirational blurbs. These will be pieces I’ve found in newsletters, comments, reading, etc. They will not be things that I’ve written. I will try to update it when I find something really noteworthy to share. I hope that you all will be inspired and encouraged by what I post there.

So, happy February Eve to you all. What will February hold for you? Only you can tell that. It will be what you make it.

This is what you get when you play with your camera while making your lunch:

“Avocado As Still Life”

You will find meaning in life only if you create it.
It is not lying there somewhere behind the bushes,
so you can go and you search a little bit and find it.
It is not there like a rock that you will find.
It is a poetry to be composed,
it is a song to be sung,
it is a dance to be danced.

Osho

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us,
it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

– Marianne Williamson

I came across something today that I wrote nine months ago, something titled simply “Overwhelms me”.

It says:

It has become apparent to me in recent weeks that my guilt is really the biggest problem I have. I struggle with it all the time. It makes me indecisive, anxious, doubtful, unfulfilled, discontent, etc. All of these maladies, I believe, stem from the guilt that I feel daily about even the smallest things. Nietzsche referred to guilt as “Godlike” but I’m not so sure. I don’t think that God second-guesses everything He has done and then wonders until He is SICK if it was the right thing.

Perhaps I don’t know what I’m guilty about. Or perhaps, I’m plagued with equal amounts of guilt and regret. I don’t know. I do know, however, that I have to let go of something in order to live more fully.

Sadly, all this time later – roughly 270 days later – I can’t say that it is all that much better. I still allow guilt to plague me, still allow too many opportunities to pass me by and I still regret almost every step I take.

What’s more is that the things I do, the opportunities I do take, the limbs I do step out onto are never “good enough”. I always forego patting myself on the back for them and head straight to beating myself up for something else that I’ve not done or, at least, not done to my standards.

Am I a control freak? A perfectionist? A habitual pessimist? Obsessive? What fatal flaw do I possess that simply will not allow me to see the silver lining? Why can’t I give myself credit for anything?

My Mother (bless her heart for putting up with me) asks me over and over and over why I feel the need to punish myself all the time, and for what. My answer to her doesn’t make sense in retrospect, but it is always the SAME answer: “If I don’t do it, no one will.” I don’t know why I think that I need to be punished, berated, given such a hard time. I’ve not committed any heinous sin in my past that I need to spend my life in retribution for. Nothing of that sort. And, I’m not Catholic.

I’ve tried practicing ahimsa – advocation of non-violence and a respect for all life, including your own – before but I’m not all that successful at it. Most of you know that I have a great deal of respect for non-violence and life but, somehow, my own doesn’t seem to warrant that respect and courtesy.

But, I don’t know why.

I sit here now and read over this and I realize how crazy and backward it seems but this is just what I do, this is how I am, this is how I operate. Does it work for me? Not so well. But, I have absolutely no idea how to leave guilt, regret, punishment, beratement, and intolerance for myself behind and move on to ahimsa. I need a break and I’m the only one that can give it to myself. Everyone else – those who love me – are more than willing to give me a break, to acknowledge what I’ve done, what I do and to allow me to be human.

In a perfect world, I could turn my favorite phrase around and apply it to kindness and love: “If I don’t do it, no one will.”

Maybe I’ll work on that.

Kristi, the admirable coordinator of NaYoPracMo, recently posted this Yoga Story Meme for the participants in this month’s NaYoPracMo challenge. I thought it a really good way to let others know my history with yoga and it is also a good pause for reflection on where I’ve been so far in my quest for a yoga life.

Might I also add here that Kristi, upon reading a comment I had posted about my struggles with scoliosis and the surgery that I had for it, told me about Julie, another NaYoPracMo participant who also has scoliosis and who has also had a spinal fusion. I must admit that I’ve never been in contact with anyone who has scoliosis, has had the surgery and practices yoga now as a way to combat what comes with all of that. So, I’m so happy to be in touch with Julie now and I feel like we will share a lot in our struggles with such similar situations. (She also has a very beautiful blog that chronicles her yoga practices. It is a favorite of mine!)

Now… onto the Meme.

1. The start. What brought you to yoga?
I didn’t start yoga until a good long while after my back surgery. I had the surgery in 1994 and didn’t start yoga until 1998. I had done the exercises that were recommended after the surgery and, when done consistently, they helped. One day while I was in Oxford, attending college at Ole Miss, I realized that the exercises were nothing more than yoga moves. I hadn’t known much about yoga before that so I’m sure I came to that conclusion from a magazine article or something of that nature. Soon after that, I heard that a spa on the Square was starting small yoga classes. I went one day and was hooked. My teacher was quite formidable and not very approachable at all but, even so, she was really really inspirational. She knew of my situation, my back problems and, in her own way, let me know that I could sit out any pose that I needed to or didn’t feel comfortable doing. Right at first, that was a good many of them! But, the ones I could do made all the difference in the world!

2. First class. Describe your first class(es) or practice and your reaction to it.
I guess I kind of answered this above. I don’t remember the specifics of my first class but I very vividly remember the teacher and the overwhelming intimidation yet inspiration I felt from here. The room was kind of dark, very small, and had mirrors all around it. There were only about five people in the class but she pushed us all hard. I only did what I knew would not hurt me and still do that today. I know better now what I can and can’t do and I stick with that. Yoga is, after all, largely about listening to your body.

3. The addiction. How/why did you get hooked?
I liked how it made my back feel, how limber and good I felt after a class, how clear my head felt, the sense of accomplishment I felt from doing such a good thing for myself. All of that leads to quite an addiction, I’d say. However, addiction is like scissors and willpower is like rock. Rock always beats scissors, I’m sad to say.

4. The history. Describe the development of your practice and history with teachers since then.
I’ve had a rocky road (see above – pun intended) with yoga, I think. I will practice yoga with great resolve for bits of time and then I will fall out of it and feel horrible about that. Sometimes I have a place to practice and sometimes I don’t (like now). This makes it hard to really advance much with my practice. For the majority of my yoga practice, I’ve practiced alone at home with DVDs. I was practicing two hours each day for awhile about two years ago and even planning to attend a yoga teacher training in California. That never happened. Most of the reason for this is a sheer lack of willpower. I don’t have it. I don’t have any of that or self-discipline, which makes it hard to practice yoga or stick with any other thing in my life. I’ve gone over this before.

As for teachers, my favorite was by far my most recent teacher in Oxford, Mississippi. I took at the Baptist Healthplex under the very kind instruction and encouragement of Stevi. She could do some yoga and was so inspiring to watch! Oh to be as good as she! But, even besides the fine example she set, she was so kind and accomodating and concerned and tried to really understand her students and where they were coming from, where they had been. The classes were always VERY full, especially for a small town of Oxford’s size. We would have anywhere from 20 to 50 people in each class. But, even with a class of that size, Stevi would still remember each person’s limitations and strengths. With my back, she would make a point to say “Karen Beth, you might want to not do this one…” whenever we did backbends, which I cannot do. My absolute FAVORITE thing about the class though was that we practiced by candlelight. It was so relaxing and lent such a reflective and calming ambience to the room. Even if the practice got rigorous at times, there was still such a feeling of calm because of the warm glow.

I miss that class.

5. The future. What are your practice goals for the future?
As always, I hope to really establish a daily practice, a good, consistent, devoted, disciplined practice. I would love for the discipline I have in yoga to bleed into other areas – all areas! – of my life as well. I can hope for that. I had hoped to become a yoga teacher but I’m not so sure I want that anymore. I’m not sure that it would be as suited to me as I might have once thought it would be. Of course, perhaps, it was suited to me once but not now. People change and I’m not exception. All I really want out of my yoga is for it to really and truly be an integral part of my life, not only so that it will help my back pains but, so that it will help the pains I have in all areas of my life. I do believe that yoga truly has the potential to do that.

Thanks for this insightful meme, Kristi.

Namaste.

… and Louboutin… and Choo… and Marni… and more Chanel. Oh my.

If you can’t tell, I’ve got fashion on the brain.

My day was long and arduous. Well, not really long and not so arduous but the afternoon portion of it was a bit trying. Let’s recap.

I had to run into town for some errands – bank, post office, shoe store (yes, it is a necessity), etc. – the normal stuff. My last stop was Wal-Mart, to get several semi-crucial items like toothpaste and a toothbrush and deoderant. Admittedly, these items are not as important as shoes but I was careful to make that stop first.

The conditions for tooling around town were not ideal this afternoon. It wasn’t raining… it was RAINING. Torrents. Sheets. Gales. It was a bonafide deluge (and no, I’m not exxagerating at all!) Yet, go out into the rain I did, with a mission, to get my long-overdue errands done. Upon arriving at Wal-Mart, my last stop of the day, I made several rounds through the carpark, carefully staked out my parking place, and, when the time was right, I took it for my own. I should have sensed something was askance when several people passed up the spot I had chosen. But, being a bit naive at times, I pulled into said spot, happy with myself for being so sleuthful, for securing such a close-up spot.

The gloating was short-lived. Getting out of the car, I landed BOTH feet in full six inches of water, soaking my socks the bottoms of my jeans, my feet and, worst of all, my leather shoes.

I will not speak of the madness that sprang forth from me after that, nor will I repeat the words that I uttered (all too loudly, I’m afraid). Suffice it to say that it wasn’t a pretty site, I wasn’t a happy camper and my errand trip was cut alarmingly short.

But, wet and cold feet do not an atrocious day make.

After my mad fit in the parking lot, a drive home, a warm-up shower (yes… another one! I only took two today, in addition to my actual “cleaning” shower), and a bit of dinner, I was more than pleased to remember that I had The Devil Wears Prada waiting for me from my NetFlix queue. (God bless NetFlix.)

As has already been mentioned, I’m cutting out the vast majority of my television watching (translation: crime shows) and have compensated a bit by reactivating my NetFlix membership.

The Devil Wears Prada was my first movie in a long time.

And it was delightful.

As most of you know, I love fashion. I love all of it. I can’t afford much of it but I love it all the same and follow it as closely as a girl in Mississippi can. I read Vogue. And Elle. And InStyle. And Lucky. And TeenVogue (hey, don’t knock it until you read it!) I know as much as a person can about Anna Wintour, Diana Vreeland, Oscar de la Renta, and Karl Lagarfeld and I would swear on Chanel if I had any. I keep up, or at least I make a darned good effort to.

So, The Devil Wears Prada was top on my list of movies to watch.

I will admit that the fashion was far better than the actual plot-line, although it was good too. I thought that Anne Hathaway was phenomenal and that Meryl Streep, in typical fashion, was stellar. The supporting characters – except for Stanley Tucci – could have been better.

Perhaps the writers wanted us to feel a bit more sorry for the boyfriend in this movie but… well… I just didn’t. He was whiney and a bit pathetic. I was glad when she took a break from him and NOT because I think that Simon Baker is one of the cutest guys on the planet (second only to another certain Aussie that my heart belongs to). I get that she had changed who she was and all of that but she was getting ahead, making a name for herself, doing what needed to be done. Couldn’t he admire that and be supportive? Apparently not. I can’t say that I was gung-ho for that twist in the plot.

But the fashion, which was a story-line in itself, I was all gung-ho for. All I can say is… “Oh to work at a fashion magazine and get to wear all those lovely, designer clothes and pay for nary a one… Ahhhhhhhhhh… “

There was a bit of everything – or should I say everyone – in this movie, as I mentioned at the start of this blog. There were some beautiful outfits and then… er… some not so beautiful outfits. But, I shan’t dwell on the negative so, without further ado (okay, just a bit more ado), I will post the outfits that I particularly loved.

Starting with… This lovely outfit!
(My commentaries are below each photo.)

This outfit was my top, number-one, hands-down favorite. It is a bit funky yet, so very elegant and classy, as a good outfit should be. This outfit features a black boat neck top by David Rodriguez over a white shirt by Miu Miu. The newsboy cap is by Chanel, as well as the necklace featuring two strands of white pearls with Chanel Parisian charms.

Next up is another dear favorite, an elegant, classy, go-anywhere dress in a rich brown, a color that is a welcome reprieve from black. This cute little number – by Calvin Klein – is knee-length olive jersey with a buttoned neckline yoke, topped ever-so-cooly with a woven leather belt. The pewter and gold handbag is by Kate Spade and, of course, no outfit complete without it, the sunglasses are by Chanel.

This one is class all the way, a look that, let us all hope, will never go out of style. A bit Audrey Hepburn but one that most of us can easily pull off. This outfit features a nubby tweed newsboy style cap by Chanel, Calvin Klein gold snakeskin satchel and grey tweed Marni t-strap pumps with dark brown leather trim.

This one is also very much in the vein of Audrey Hepburn but, perhaps, a bit harder for the rest of us to pull off. Green? Well, not so great on everyone. But great here! The gorgeous kelly green, leopard print trimmed overcoat is by Lewin, topped off with a Kate Spade doctor’s satchel and, naturally, Chanel sunglasses.

Finally, no wardrobe would be complete without a bit of funk, the obligatory eclectic, boho look. This one fits the bill, although with a bit more class than most bohemians I’ve seen. This catchy ensemble features a black Mongolian lamb swing coat by Rebecca Taylor, black quilted leather bag by Chanel, saddle leather boots by Christian Louboutin and, making the outfit what it is, a rust cashmere knit skully cap. Smashing… or groovy… either works!

Overall, I loved the movie, if mostly for the fashion. It was the perfect fashionable end to a decidedly UN-fashionable day.

Cheerio!

I made it to the mat today.

Clarification… I made it to the mat today for longer than eight minutes.

After a warm-up shower this afternoon (I’m bad about taking those), I felt so warm, loose and relaxed and I thought… “What a better time to do yoga?”

So, I did.

I did six Sun Salutations, some hip opening stretches and an enthusiastic ab series. I practiced for about forty-five minutes and it was great.

I’m having something of a pain in my hip, particularly, where my right leg meets my torso. It seems to “catch” each time I move it out, especially when I’m lying on my back and go to stretch it forward. It hurts so bad that it causes me to flinch and stop momentarily. I’m pushing on through it but… I wonder if that is the best thing.

I’m also noticing that I’m very, VERY tired after my practices. I’m not sure what that is about. Literally, when I finish with a routine – even if it isn’t very involved – I could fall over and sleep for days, or so it feels.

I wanted to do yoga today and that felt good. I’m not sure what was different about today than any other day but I really wanted to get on the mat, to not procrastinate it.

I have high hopes for tomorrow.

Namaste.

Some of you may have already deducted what my WWHI experiments for the month of January. I should have written it out better sooner but I didn’t so will do so now.

For the month of January, I will explore what would happen if I did yoga each day (NaYoPracMo) and what would happen if I didn’t watch any crime shows at all (No Bones…). I’ve blogged about each undertaking separately in other areas of my blog but I want to keep updates on them and decided that they would count for WWHI’s and that the updates should be posted to the appropriate section.

As for the NaYoPracMo undertaking, I feel like a bit of a slack-o in that area but the goal this month is to move past that. I have been reading faithfully in my new Meditations on the Mat book and that inspires me, even if I’m not on the mat. I’ve also taken out my completely blank, never used My Yoga Journal book and decided to use it a bit too, to record more fully how I’m feeling about my practice, what hurts, what doesn’t feel right and what does. Mostly, though, I think it will be a mental tool, to move me past the negativity I associate with my practice, with “having” to do it, and with having to reach a certain pinnacle of practice before I can consider that I’ve succeeded. :::It is a beautiful book, to those of you who might be wondering, beautifully written and laid-out and I would recommend it to anyone interested in vamping up their yoga practice.::: I believe that I can move through this guilt and angst that I associate with yoga and I’m determined to do that. My brain is in such conflict over it all – part of me wants so badly to have such a dedicated practice but the other part of me just won’t move my body onto the mat. The goal then, is to get those parts more in sync.

As for not watching crime-TV, it isn’t nearly as painful as I thought it would be. I’ve not had my TV on any this week (although I have watched a bit of HGTV with my Mother – I consider it to be bonding time and HGTV isn’t nearly as detrimental to my psyche as CSI.) I fleetingly thought about Bones last night when I knew it would be on but then, I went about my business, not giving it another thought at all. As deep as I thought my addiction to this was, I’m surprised that I’m not more bent-up about missing it. I conclude then, that my pull to turn on the TV, to turn to crime-TV was more of a pacifier, more of a comfort blanket. I did it because it was there and because I could. No more though… I like the feeling of being a TV minimalist. Dare I mention that I’m also thinking about cutting out House? We’ll have to see how strong I am when the new episodes start to run but I’m definitely thinking about it. The more I ponder and the less I have the TV on, the more I realize that I like not having any severe emotional ties to a box that shows a picture. It is a good thing.

So, then those are my WWHI’s for January. Any of you who would like to join me on these are welcome. Please post your comments! I will report from time to time as I can and as there are developments, hopefully good ones.

Did anyone see the newstory tonight about the man in NYC who saved the other man who had fallen onto the subway track? Amazing story. The man is truly a hero; he saved this other man’s life.

These men were complete strangers, standing on the subway platform in NYC, waiting on the next subway. One of the men to began to have a seizure (according to one account I saw) and fell off into the subway track. The other man, standing on the platform with his children, instinctually jumped into the tracks to try to get him out, risking his own life to do so. The train was too close, the man was too heavy, he could not be lifted out. So, the man who had jumped in – the hero – rolled the man who was having a seizure into one of the track crevices – not very deep at all – held him as still as possible and the train passed over them.

They both survived – one of them totally unscathed – but it could have been so different. With his children watching the entire time, that man put his life in very grave danger for another man, a complete stranger.

It begs the question… would you have done the same? Or would you have been one of the ones on the platform, watching the horror unfold, waiting to see what happened, yet, not doing anything to help? Which one would you have been?

Of course, putting your life at risk is putting your life at risk whether it is a heroic move or not, whether it is to save the life of another or not. There is and always will be a bit of foolishness in that.

But, would you rather risk things, take a chance, jump off into the unknown, follow your instincts, do what feels right, see what you are made of, realize what you can do for others, go with your gut, help someone, think outside yourself for a bit, and live like you mean it? Or, would you rather stand on the platform while someone else does all of that?

I’m not ready to jump off into a subway track with a train barrelling down behind me but I do know which one I would choose, if only metaphorically speaking.

What an example this man is. Kudos to him for living like he means it.

Contrary to what it is SUPPOSED to be doing, this yoga is getting me down, and not down onto the mat, I fear.

For practice #2 last night, I did a Baron Baptiste abdominal routine (yes, another DVD) and that was a good thing as I’ve resolved to develop more strength and tone in my abs and back. Support in that area is good, not to mention it would be nice to have a flat midregion. The ab routine wasn’t long – about 12 minutes – and the whole time I was thinking to myself, “You schmuck… why is this ALL that you are doing? You should have started earlier and done MORE MORE MORE MORE!” (The ab routine was again taking place at about 10:00 p.m. I wasn’t about to launch into a series of Sun Salutations.) By the time I got finished with my ab routine, I had beaten myself up so bad mentally that I may as well not have done it at all. All I could think was how much more I had done.

And for practice #2… well, there was no practice #3 today.

I’m beginning to realize that until I can get over this yoga guilt that I feel, this overwhelming feeling of never doing it well enough or long enough or early enough or with enough gusto, I will NEVER truly be able to get as much from my practice as I know I could. Until I get past this, somehow, I won’t be able to really have a yoga practice, the disciplined feeling of yoga being a regular part of my day.

So then, maybe, in my own way, I did do yoga today by coming to that realization. Now, I just have to make peace with that realization, forgive myself for my past transgressions on (and off) the mat and move forward. That may be considerably harder to do that it is to write about but I’m willing to give it a shot.

Isn’t recognizing the problem half the battle? We’ll see.

Namaste.