Heart.

The two-year anniversary of my heart surgery was June 1.  My computer was on the blink so I was unable to blog.  I did, of course, journal.  Below is one of my journal entries from that special day.


Two years ago, I had my heart surgery.  This is and probably always will be an emotional day for me.  I’m happy and sad all at once.  I’m so lucky and blessed but – at the same time- there is so much to remember, so much to live up to, so much that I feel like I’m not processing.  Even now.  I’m home today; I plan to always take off on June 1 if I can – my own personal new year.  Last year I journaled and blogged and took flowers to Mom and Dad and Debbie (my SICU nurse) but I’ve been more normal this year, more low-key.  I’m partly feeling melancholy because I miss my sangha, my amazing yoga training friends.  But also, I still feel like I don’t know exactly what to do to process the emotions that go with remembering my surgery and what my heart went through.  And so I’ve stayed here at home and piddled and thought a lot.  I’ve done laundry, cleaned, listened to music and kissed my babies.  I’ve tried hard not to try to make too much out of it, even though it is a big deal to me.  I just mean that I’m trying not to try too hard to do something powerfully significant and meaningful; to just let be what is and to let that be good enough.  Mom brought me lunch (sushi) and sent me flowers (gorgeous) and – more than anything – I’m trying to not let the stress of “real life” get too overwhelming – I’m trying to keep the spirit of yoga training with me as much as possible.  The real test will be going back to work tomorrow; I’m really just trying not to think about that.  I’m also trying to relish the accomplishment of realizing my yoga teacher dream for a bit instead of going straight to thinking about what goal I will tackle next or what I’ve wanted to do but never done.  I do too much of that or – rather – I don’t do enough.  I never pause to give myself credit for what I have accomplished, what I have done.  So, maybe, this day is about that.  Maybe it is turning into and should be a pause, a celebration of me, what I’ve been through, what I’ve done and the pretty remarkable life I’ve lead and the things I’ve made happen despite what some might see as obstacles.  Not in a cocky or arrogant way at all but in a proud, appreciative way.  And however I want to celebrate that is just fine, even if it is doing laundry and sitting around.  And perhaps it is the perfect time to also think about goals I might want to work toward or at least to realize the amazing potential I have to do anything I set my mind to.  But, above all, it is a time to think about the beauty and wonder that the gift of life is and how fragile it is but also how very strong and resilient we are.  How very strong and resilient I am.  I guess not many are given the amazing gift of seeing that as clearly as I have.  Although it was hard, I don’t resent or regret it at all.  It truly was a gift – a gift of seeing the wonderful thing that life is, of seeing myself in a different light, of seeing how delicate and powerful I am.  It is hard for me to remember how life was – how I was – before my heart surgery.  It is almost like I was a flower that only began to bloom after it.  I’m not sure why that is but I’m thankful and I hope to never take this day for granted or to forget all that it means.  My heart opened that day – in more ways than one.

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5 thoughts on “Heart.

  1. What an amazing person you are! And what a young woman to have dealt with heart surgery.
    Although I haven’t had any heart complications, heart health has driven me with my choices throughout my adult life. My mother’s family on her dad’s side has a long history of early deaths due to heart attacks. Since my mom had a heart attack at age 55, our whole family changed its eating habits. In 1972, there were very few vegetable and soy products for one to substitute for red meat. But we trudged on. And I’m now 71. I exercise 3 or 4 times a week. I avoid red meat, etc. etc. etc.
    It seems to me that you have a right to think of June 1 as your new year because it certainly was the beginning of a new chapter in your life. Celebrate what you are now. If you’re one of those who can visualize (I’m not) then visualize how much stronger you are having survived such an ordeal. God bless you. I’ll keep you in my daily prayers, if you’d like me to do that.

  2. I remember it too. I think it might have been the first time I sent you a message or comment on FB that was not at surface level. I remember being worried for you and in awe of you when you recovered and kept on going. You are awesome!

  3. I remember this time as well; I was so very worried, and kept praying and sending happy heart vibes your way; you’ve come far, grasshopper. 🙂

  4. Pingback: Meanwhile: a Project Backsplash explanation… | Zazazu

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