I’ve been overthinking things today. Bad.
I’ve not even really been thinking about things I need to get done or items I need to put on some list. I’ve been thinking things like why the computer doesn’t work any faster than it does, why it doesn’t work as fast as it should and why I get so frustrated by that.
I’ve been mourning things I can’t change like what Tessa’s life might have been like before she came to live with me and how her coming to live with me might have negatively affected Delali. I’ve been wondering if Delali feels neglected since Tess – being a dog – requires and demands so much attention and my heart breaks by that (more than) a little.
I’ve been wishing that I could do something to improve the lives of every animal on this planet, that every one of them could be as happy as my babies act and that maybe if I think hard enough I could figure out how to make that possible.
I’ve been wondering if I wasted $60 recently on a “new venture” and if I’d waste another $15 by buying a rain slicker for Tessa.
I’ve been wondering how it is possible that part of me is so incredibly sensitive and tenderhearted and another part is cynical and misanthropic and totally impatient and actually wishes that I said the f-word. (I mean, who wishes that!??)
I’ve been pondering – to great depths – how it is that other people can see things as they see them so clearly when to me, they are the furthest thing from sensible that I can fathom. I’ve been wondering why people go where they aren’t wanted or speak when it isn’t appropriate or generally do other falling-down-stupid things.
I’ve been trying to understand how people think they can make a difference in the world by being cruel and judgmental and condescending. I’ve also been trying to figure out how anyone feels that they have any right or authority to be either of those things.
I’ve been wondering when my house will be clean and when my head will stop hurting and when I will finally feel rested and when I’ll stop being sad that fall is over when it has only just begun and when I will make pretty things and do the things on the list that has no end.
I’ve been trying to decide if I will always feel like I’m in something of a state of limbo and if I will always live waiting for some other shoe to drop but not really knowing what that shoe is.
I’ve been wondering how much to let the inevitable things like death and loneliness affect me on an everyday basis as I seem to already do.
I’ve been trying to talk down the intense drive in me to list more in my Etsy store and sell, sell, sell so that I can make money for I’m not really sure what. I’ve been wondering what it is that I always feel like I’m forgetting.
And, with all this over-thinking, the list really does get longer and the computer that is my brain works more slowly. What I need to talk down is all this over-thinking.