I’ve been overthinking things today. Bad.
This cute cartoon isn’t to say at all that I’m not happy. It is, however, to say for sure that I’m an overthinker.
I’ve not even really been thinking about things I need to get done or items I need to put on some list. I’ve been thinking things like why the computer doesn’t work any faster than it does, why it doesn’t work as fast as it should and why I get so frustrated by that.
I’ve been mourning things I can’t change like what Tessa’s life might have been like before she came to live with me and how her coming to live with me might have negatively affected Delali. I’ve been wondering if Delali feels neglected since Tess – being a dog – requires and demands so much attention and my heart breaks by that (more than) a little.
I’ve been wishing that I could do something to improve the lives of every animal on this planet, that every one of them could be as happy as my babies act and that maybe if I think hard enough I could figure out how to make that possible.
I’ve been wondering if I wasted $60 recently on a “new venture” and if I’d waste another $15 by buying a rain slicker for Tessa.
I’ve been wondering how it is possible that part of me is so incredibly sensitive and tenderhearted and another part is cynical and misanthropic and totally impatient and actually wishes that I said the f-word. (I mean, who wishes that!??)
I’ve been pondering – to great depths – how it is that other people can see things as they see them so clearly when to me, they are the furthest thing from sensible that I can fathom. I’ve been wondering why people go where they aren’t wanted or speak when it isn’t appropriate or generally do other falling-down-stupid things.
I’ve been trying to understand how people think they can make a difference in the world by being cruel and judgmental and condescending. I’ve also been trying to figure out how anyone feels that they have any right or authority to be either of those things.
I’ve been wondering when my house will be clean and when my head will stop hurting and when I will finally feel rested and when I’ll stop being sad that fall is over when it has only just begun and when I will make pretty things and do the things on the list that has no end.
I’ve been trying to decide if I will always feel like I’m in something of a state of limbo and if I will always live waiting for some other shoe to drop but not really knowing what that shoe is.
I’ve been wondering how much to let the inevitable things like death and loneliness affect me on an everyday basis as I seem to already do.
I’ve been trying to talk down the intense drive in me to list more in my Etsy store and sell, sell, sell so that I can make money for I’m not really sure what. I’ve been wondering what it is that I always feel like I’m forgetting.
And, with all this over-thinking, the list really does get longer and the computer that is my brain works more slowly. What I need to talk down is all this over-thinking.
Zazazu 
Oh, Karen, this is such a beautiful and honest post. I adore it! You think and over think because you are a ***sentient, sensitive human being. A deliciously delightful one at that! 😉
Sensitivity, in the most positive use of the word, makes us prone to pain, as does change. If you don’t stand still, think, feel and move towards new ventures, change and the pain that accompanies it will inevitably come. It’s part of growing and becoming truer to ourselves.
Sometimes our drives lead us before our consciousness can process why we are heading in a certain direction. Sometimes painful processes bring joy as an unexpected outcome. Sometimes that shoe drops from a cupboard we were looking into for something else.
I think that the lists and the thinking (and over thinking), feeling etc are part of who you are, what makes you YOU & what brings you joy. I also think that you would rue the day your lists were empty, feelings became tepid and creative thinking subsided…I know I would 😉
Love to you, as always!
Cat
***Sentience is the ability to feel, perceive or be conscious, or to have subjective experiences. Eighteenth century philosophers used the concept to distinguish the ability to think (“reason”) from the ability to feel (“sentience”). In modern western philosophy, sentience is the ability to have sensations or experiences (described by some thinkers as “qualia”). For Eastern philosophy, sentience is a metaphysical quality of all things that requires respect and care. The concept is central to the philosophy of animal rights, because sentience is necessary for the ability to suffer, which entails certain rights.
That is a lot to ponder! Do you have someone close to you that you could say these things? I agree that one can overthink things till it’s like beating a dead horse. I wish I had the solution. I find myself some days fiddling on small tasks and then wonder what else I should be doing instead of what I’m actually doing. I too have deep feelings for my family and friends, yet I have little patience with those in Congress and those who make decisions about our schools who know little about how children learn and that getting parents involved in the process will help our kids learn. That adding hours and days to the school year is not as important as parents deeming an education as the ultimate goal, not hundred dollar sneakers, I Pads, and cell phones for their darlings. Oh, oh, I’m on a war path!
Your a thinker. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. You are doing just fine. Let go of things that make you think and get tired. Embrace those things that make you feel inspired. Your doing. Your trying. And your thinking. And that is ok. xoxoxoxoxoxo